I am an artist...who had unknowingly,but perhaps subconsciously, inflicted upon myself a sort of creative anorexia...afraid of how big the manifestation of my inspirations would become.
My daydreams are like a buffet of everything I've ever wanted...that I know would be sooo sweet...but I run from them, and fade to the background...avoiding Ambition, who's hand I let go of in terror months ago.
I feel it looking for me in a crowd and I divert my eyes and wear hats that say "normal" and "predictable" but are ill-fitted. I wear the mask that Dunbar spoke of, to live a life others feel more comfortable with...but it's suffocating me slowly...hollowing my insides and placing me amongst the easily forgotten.
But last night I had a dream of a younger me...dancing and singing "I am a promise, I am a possibility..." and I believed it then. I was never in the back. Me and all my hair and a face full of smile were always center... confident... always ready. I knew exactly what I wanted, even if the answer was different each time. "I don't know" was never my response.
So today I'm channelling that little girl..dancing and singing and standing up front. And if that makes you uncomfortable, there's a space for you in the back that I've decided to leave behind. Make yourself comfortable there as I fill up my plate and take a seat at the table...I've been hungry for a while.
xo, august & pepper