Lately...

So, if you couldn’t tell by now I’ve either thrown this blog into the ‘until tomorrow’ bin of life or I’ve been so consumed with life that I hadn’t had time to pause and share with the group. Well, both are pretty true, but not because I haven’t wanted to write. I probably have about a dozen half completed entries wading around in my dropbox ‘A&P’ folder—tales about my return to work post baby, adventures in midnight feeding and even the joys and isolation of being a single mom. Now while all of those entries deserve their own space on this pocket of the interwebs, I have decided to defeat the tomorrow devil by posting something TODAY.

This happened since last I wrote:

• Bean was born ten days after my last post (at only 36 weeks)
• I successfully delivered with no drugs after 13 hours of labor
• To my surprise I didn't cry, but [not surprisingly] the man did
• The man has been on deployment since week 16 postpartum 
• Still engaged...no date
• Being a mom is amazing
• Mary Kay is my new side hustle
• My son's smile is everything to me
• The house has undergone a bit of a facelift
• Time is flying and Bean will be 1 in 3 months

Now that you're mildly caught up...
I have a terrible procrastination habit that mostly stems from a combination of my need to be perfect all the time and a constant fear of harsh judgment and rejection. So to that I say ‘f*@k the haters’! On the eve of my last day as a single mom, I’ve had a combination of panic attacks and introspective self-talks to get me back in the ‘couple’ mindset.

I’ve done a bit of reminding myself of who I am at my core. One thing I’m most thankful for, in these several months alone, is time to reconnect with my roots. Getting consumed in a relationship I didn’t see coming, moving, and becoming a mom had certainly sent me on a tail spin grasping for the railings. I never want to have an experience or a relationship in life that doesn’t allow me to grow or learn, and I’ve learned enough in the past three years to write a book (which I just might do).

Two of the most profound moments in my life that have contributed to my internal fortitude and emotional intelligence would have to be losing my dream job and, most recently, delivering my beautiful baby boy (sans intervention). At both times I was afraid, sad, doubtful and confused. I also learned that I’m both powerful and a lot tougher than I’ve allowed people to convince me I am.

Allowing myself to feel whatever is necessary is one of the best gifts I can give to me. Another thing I’ve learned is that being a single mom can be awesome! Not to discount the value of my son’s father, but it was definitely a gift to learn to navigate the confusing, scary and exciting road of motherhood for the first time without criticism or competition.

I’ve always looked forward to being a mom and having a partner to figure things out with, but the reality is life doesn’t always give you what you envisioned and God always knows what you require to operate at your best. And I’ve learned that I’m at my strongest when it’s just me, the rock and the hard place. I also thought I’d have the kind of familial support my friends made me envious of where some maternal member of my family would come to live with me for weeks and give me the kind of training I needed to be the kind of mom I thought I wanted to be. That didn’t happen; and was by far the biggest disappointment of my life. It was also the greatest opportunity to make me even more confident in my ability to be great on my own. I am far more capable than what those closest to me had led me to believe and in learning that I’ve become more confident at advocating for what I want and ignoring the ANTs (automatic negative thinking) that pop up from time to time.

With all that said, life is good. Not great, but good. My son is the best thing I've ever done with my life so far, and the fact that he's always so happy and loved by all is evidence that I am still able to inspire another person to smile by merely walking into the room. My only regret is that I did not have more to offer his life upon his arrival. God is love. God is joy. God is merciful.

xo, august & pepper