Pre-baby Pampering

I never knew my feet and hands could get so big! This new week was welcomed by the great swelling of my hands and feet--so much so that even my most comfortable shoes scream in agony by the end of the day. My hands ache, my bracelets are too snug and I was finally forced to part with my beautiful engagement ring for fear that it would need to be sawed off in the delivery room. Yikes!

So what better way to calm my tootsies than a [much needed] pedicure. By the end of my date with the massage chair and the best pedicurist ever (anyone would have been great at that point), I felt like a new woman. And I know 'the man' was pleased that I didn't beg him to rub my oh so unsexy feet with the chipped polish. The look on his face always seemed to scream 'help! what happened to the fly woman I proposed to?' She's still here boo! She just can't reach her toes, grunts when she bends over and moans at the thought of having to roll out of bed to waddle in for another day of office drama.

 39 more days...

xo, august & pepper

The Final 40

We've made it to the home stretch! In 40 days (hopefully a little less) a new title will be added to my life's resume--mommy. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by! And my 'before-I-have-a-baby-bucket-list' still has quite a few to-dos on it that don't appear to be happening any time soon. One of which was to have something published. But in the race to finish the baby room, the blanket and my final days in the office, that hardly feels like a feasible priority. Ah well!

Strangely,  none of this felt completely real until last weekend when I sat in the middle of the floor (in our semi-completed nursery) amongst all the gifts and well wishes from our baby shower. You'd think that after months of sickness, soreness and my rapidly growing baby bump that I'd be more in sync with my new reality. On the contrary, it's as though I've been waiting all this while to wake up--all of this was a dream and my life would feel normal again in the morning. But not so much. Which makes me feel incredibly guilty. I should be over the moon happy about my new life's calling. Instead I've spent the last 35 weeks internalizing the judgements of family, the pressure of external expectations and carrying the weight of my own life responsibilities; none of which took pause because of my new 'condition.' A good support system is definitely the key to a happy and healthy pregnancy; and for what it's worth, I'm going to try my best to make the most of my final days carrying such a precious gift under my heart.

Oh, and PS, my best friend is a rockstar! She made me feel so loved by throwing the best baby shower I could have imagined! Real friends truly are the family you choose. :)

xo, august & pepper

We're Having a Baby!

24 weeks_Runaway Bay, Jamaica-photo courtesy of Philip Fadul

And very soon! While this is news to you it's definitely been my life everyday for the past 32 weeks (8 months is normal people speak). I speak in weeks, think way more about what I'm eating than I'm used to, and shop for furniture based on safety rather than style. My life has been invaded by a person whose face I have yet to see, but makes his presence known by making alien-like ripples across my belly at inopportune times and elbows me from the other side of my bellybutton. I'd love to say that my experience has been "beautiful" and "magical" as I've heard pregnant women express in the past, but quite honestly I feel, well, duped. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to meeting my little guy and adding another title to my name, but no one told me what pregnancy was REALLY like. I get it--every experience is unique, but really? So here are a few things that I have learned so far:
 1. Morning sickness feels like a perpetual hangover...that lasts 3 months. These helped. When I wasn't vomiting I felt like I'd feel better if I was, and at some point vomiting and peeing happened at the same time, so mornings were all about strategy and positioning.
 2. No more long casual walks at lunch time. Some time during my second trimester I thought to take my usual walk for a salad at lunch (maybe two blocks) and was declined by my legs. They all but gave out at the end of block one. Talk about disappointed!
3. Everything annoyed me. I don't think I've rolled my eyes so much in my life! I have zero tolerance for foolishness and empathy isn't something I 'do' right now.
 4. You can clear a room. Pregnancy=Gas, and all the time too! It's so unattractive, unprofessional and, well, gross. But you can't help it!
5. Ready for more grossness? Well your, ahem, lady parts get...juicier. While this may be convenient for some purposes, it can get real inconvenient on a daily basis. Add this to the next 'experience' and you will have officially become socially awkward.
6. You'll pee on yourself at least once. Maybe not enough to become a laughing-stock, but definitely enough to solicit an immediate wardrobe change. I don't embarrass easily, but sneezing and making my 'mark' at the same time in a public place definitely made for an uncomfortable moment.
 7. You will discover more muscles and nerves exist in your nether-regions than you care to know. On days when I did a bit too much of everything I was sure I had sprained my 'v' for sure, or would feel like my new inhabitant would just fall out the bottom at any moment. Not a good feeling at all.
8. Everything hurts...eventually. And I mean everything.
9. Regular sex helps prevent the dreaded episiotomy--you know...when they cut the exit to make it wider for a little head. Yeah...ouch! But glad I learned this tidbit before the delivery room.
10. Overstimulating the nipples can cause preterm labor...and so can tea. Well-intentioned older people will give you some advice (like toughen up your nips to prepare for breastfeeding) that may not be the best idea. So always ask your Dr or Midwife before trying anything...even smacking around your own nips. Oh and raspberry leaf tea is good for delivery prep in the last few weeks, but beware anytime before. You don't want any preterm escapee happening.
 11. Everyone's an Obstetrician. Be careful not to vocalize your woes too much because you're bound to get a whole lot of unsolicited advice from people who 'heard' this or 'experienced' that (50 years ago). Seek info for yourself and ask your doc when in doubt.
12. You get to choose your birth experience. If you don't mesh with your Dr. anymore anytime throughout your process, get a new one. If you don't want drugs, don't opt for any. And if you want your baby delivered in a hospital in a tub full of water to the tunes of Lionel Ritchie that's your prerogative. It's your body, your baby, and you should have your way. Period.
13. Yoga and Pilates saved my hips. The earlier you sign up for regular prenatal classes, the easier your experience will be.

There really are a ton of things I've learned, but I'll spare you from an even longer list. Just do your homework before you get to the plus or minus crossroad of life, if possible. Pregnancy has it's good moments, and they're definitely more plentiful when you have a good and very present support system. So take it easy, establish good eating habits early and focus on your back muscles in your workout regimen. Trust me, you'll need them the most.

xo, august & pepper

Introspection

I woke up this morning and realized, almost all of a sudden, that the spear of my unhappiness was thrown and twisted by my own hand. 

I am an artist...who had unknowingly,but perhaps subconsciously, inflicted upon myself a sort of creative anorexia...afraid of how big the manifestation of my inspirations would become. 

My daydreams are like a buffet of everything I've ever wanted...that I know would be sooo sweet...but I run from them, and fade to the background...avoiding Ambition, who's hand I let go of in terror months ago. 

I feel it looking for me in a crowd and I divert my eyes and wear hats that say "normal" and "predictable" but are ill-fitted. I wear the mask that Dunbar spoke of, to live a life others feel more comfortable with...but it's suffocating me slowly...hollowing my insides and placing me amongst the easily forgotten. 

But last night I had a dream of a younger me...dancing and singing "I am a promise, I am a possibility..." and I believed it then. I was never in the back. Me and all my hair and a face full of smile were always center... confident... always ready. I knew exactly what I wanted, even if the answer was different each time. "I don't know" was never my response. 

So today I'm channelling that little girl..dancing and singing and standing up front. And if that makes you uncomfortable, there's a space for you  in the back that I've decided to leave behind. Make yourself comfortable there as I fill up my plate and take a seat at the table...I've been hungry for a while. 

xo, august & pepper

Happy 2013, the year of dreams

I have so much to be thankful for as I reflect on last year and allow great hope for greatness to be dreamed up for 2013. Ringing in the new year with friends for the second year in a row was amazing in itself, but crossing the threshold of this year knowing that I am loved, safe, healthy and employed takes the cake. Here's to a fruitful year of success, good health, better choices and happiness!